This is Going to be a Gross One…

I apologise in advance but this has been on my mind lately and I just had to share.

I like the environment.  I really do.  I believe in walking and biking, using energy-saving light bulbs, and eschewing plastic bags. Whenever someone comes up with a new way to save the environment, my response is “Great! Let’s do it.”  

But.

But.

Apparently, there are limits to how much environmentalism I can stomach.  I’m talking, of course, about the Keeper. *I do not recommend clicking on this link if you’ve eaten in the last 24 hours.  Or if you ever want to feel hungry again.

The Keeper.  An environmentally-friendly tampon-alternative.  Really?  

The Keeper first appeared on my radar a few years ago when a friend-of-a-friend added the Keeper to their facebook interests.  Not knowing what it was, said friend told me to google image search it.  I did and we had a good chuckle about this thing:

The whole thing became much funnier when said friend explained that friend-of-friend had added it to their interests because a mutual acquaintance of all of us was “going through an environmental phase” and was using the Keeper.  Since I was not in the mood to vomit, I pretty much forgot about the whole incident (although I will say that I had a hard time looking at that acquaintance with a straight face the next time I saw her).

So a few years later, alternative menstrual products came up in casual conversation.  Mockingly, of course.  And then I got curious about the ol’ Keeper cause I remembered it had given me a good laugh.  So I google searched it again and my eyes were opened the vast world of period products.  And oh how I wish they were still closed.  

For those who are interested, you can choose between the Keeper, the MoonCup (think about that name), or the DivaCup.  You can find reusable pads or (my favourite) the Lunapanties, an “all-in-one deluxe period panty.”  Which is awesome because I’m so frustrated with my all-in-one BASIC period panty (?).  Also available is the ultra low-tech birth control method called Cycle Beads.  For $15.95, you’ll receive:

a string of colored beads that represent each day of a woman’s menstrual cycle. They are a simple tool that clearly shows where you are in your cycle. They tell you whether or not you are likely to get pregnant that day. Cycle Beads are based on the Standard Days Method of family planning. Studies have shown that this method is more than 95% effective when used correctly. Cycle Beads are for women who want a natural, effective, inexpensive approach to family planning with no side effects, and have regular menstrual cycles between 26 and 32 days long. Cycle Beads come with complete, easy instructions.

Did you see that? 95% effective!  Why use anything else?

Clearly all this “alternative” mumbojumbo is lost on me.  Rather than being swayed by this image,

I’m horrified about the idea of a 10 year old period cup.  Oh Holy Mother of God, please help us.  

I’m also ridiculously disturbed by the application instructions.

Umm, no comment.

So basically, when it comes down to it, I’m not so environmentally-friendly.  If being green means sticking latex cups in your cooch, I say PAVE THE RAINFOREST, BABY.